Mile18

I thought I had it all together.  Well, better stated, I at least thought I was handling it all well. 

Our church had just been through a difficult season.  Our pastor had recently resigned under a cloud of uncertainty.  There was never a clear understanding of his leaving, only an abrupt departure that left the congregation to assume its own conclusions.  Shortly after, several staff members resigned.  The church’s polity really left it open for interpretation as to who would lead what in the interim.  People were hurt, confused, frustrated and many were just done with it all.  I remember thinking how sad this must be for God as we flop around trying to find a heading for “our” church.

Most people’s minds need closure.  And, many times when we do not have it, we assume what is most logical in our own minds, just so our souls can be at rest.  An assumption without knowing the facts can often give us that rest – whether it’s rooted in fact or not.  Just anything – and often it’s just whatever is the simplest to understand.  No clear explanation was ever given for the sudden turnover and unrest that the church was experiencing.  Being the second-chair leader at this church left me square in the cross-hairs of assumption.  I found myself often at the end of the pointing finger.  I embraced Romans 5.3-5.  Suffering produces endurance that produces character that produces hope.  I understood that good could come from this.  Lay low and let God work.  That sounds like a really good Sunday-School type answer, right?  On paper, that answer is 100% correct.  I kept telling myself, just be the punching bag.  Let people take their swings.  Whether they are right or wrong in their assumptions, closure will help.  So, just stand in there alone, the bleeding will stop eventually.  And, in the end they will feel better and you can have gain endurance, character and hope.

Out of nowhere…

I can’t fully explain what happened that day – just a large blur. I was at the church mowing (something another staff member and I did for some additional income) when I felt a sensation on my legs that I really cannot describe. It was as if bugs were inside my skin. I began swatting and scraping. I jumped off of the mower and began running to first aid kit where we had some anti-itch spray which I quickly emptied on my legs. No relief. I crawled to my truck not even knowing where I was going and just left – as if I was going to outrun the unwanted itch. I ended up at home – somehow (again, blur) – and made it to the shower. At this point, my legs were bleeding from the scratching, the spray and the ointment. And, then I began to uncontrollably weep. I was having an anxiety attack. My body was crying out for relief that no spray, ointment, or soap was going to stop. That’s when it really gets blurry – in the shower, out of the shower onto the bathroom floor. I just remember finally feeling some calm after begging God for relief and being held by my sweet wife.

Anxiety or panic attacks are very real.  Don’t let any well-meaning friend tell you they are not.  Don’t settle for their bumper-sticker answer to just “let go and let God”.  That’s a lovely sentiment, but it’s not well-received when you are in the fetal position crying for relief.  We needed real answers.  I began my journey back to this passage where I started.  When I took another look at Romans 3.3-5, I began to see what I was missing.  Check this verse out again in NLT (emphasis mine):

³ We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance. ⁴ And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation. ⁵ And  this hope will not lead to disappointment. For we know how dearly God  loves us, because he has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts  with his love.

Did you see what I saw?  No less than 9 times in that passage it talks about “us” more than “me”, “we” more than “I”.  I had been reading that all wrong!  I am not to stand and fight on my own.

Here are 4 things I learned from this passage about my anxiety:

1. I was never meant to handle anxiety alone.  (See blog post: You are(n’t) Enough) I had good intentions.  I really didn’t want to “bother” other people with my struggles, my pressures from others.  I truly didn’t want them to know some of the people that were coming at me because I didn’t want them to think less of those that were angry.  But, I missed the fact that I am not built to do this on my own.  I know God is faithful to supply someone else that could have confidentially shared my load (Gal 6.2) with me and/or someone that could hear me confess my short-comings (James 5.16) as well.  There’s something so relieving in just speaking your struggle.  And there’s nothing more comforting than a Godly brother or sister willing to listen, love and share your burden.
2. When I feel anxiety creeping back in, one of the greatest things I can do is to invest into someone else.  The best way to stop looking at myself (i.e. self-pity) is to look at someone else.  Philippians 4.4-7 most well-known passages on anxiety, Paul says “Let everyone see that you are considerate in all you do.”  Get in there and show love to someone expecting nothing in return.  Verse 7 promises that after we do that then “His peace will guard your hearts and minds.”  Peace.  Now that’s a suitable replacement for anxiety!
3. The best way to keep from reverting back to my state of anxiety is to own my story.  I’m not super-human.  I don’t possess some extraordinary gift that makes me more like Jesus than everyone else.  I’m not problem-free, sin-free or anxiety-free.  If I am going to step closer to being like Jesus, I have to know who I was.  I must stand on the fact that God has delivered me from that and it’s because He allows me to move forward that I do so.  Paul owns his story in Acts 22, but goes back to it many times throughout his letters replaying the life from where God had called him (1 Cor 15.9, Eph 3.8, 1 Tim 1.16 – just to name a few).
4. Remember: God is for us.  Look up at verse 5 again. If we allow God to change our heart and mind. If we endure through the difficulty. If we remember that he is for us and this light and temporary suffering is going to strengthen our patience, character and faith. Then look up at verse 5 again. If we do these things, we have God’s promise that “it will not lead to disappointment.” I don’t know how it will end. I don’t know what God will do, but I can speak from experience when I say, IT WILL NOT END IN DISAPPOINTMENT.

Oh that I could tell that itchy mess of a younger me that he might have saved himself an afternoon breakdown if he would have just slowed down and truly read (and believed) God’s word. Perhaps I would have brought others into my story and prevented the assault.  My friend, if any of this hits home with you, please get someone else involved.  Not tomorrow or later this week.  Do it right now.  Communicating with someone that can share your burden, pray and open God’s Word with you is not just important, it’s soul-revivingly important.  Mile18 Ministries offers Biblical Counseling (or “intense discipleship”).  We’d love to sit one-on-one (or one-on-few) with you and walk with you through this difficult season. 

If this post has stirred a desire to talk more, there is hope and help! Please contact Mile18. We offer free Biblical Counseling and would love to talk and pray with you… in person (Central Arkansas) or virtual.

You have undoubtedly been told it recently.  It’s on internet ads and tv commercials.  I even saw it on a digital billboard just this past week.  “You Are Enough.”  It’s a great, self-reliance word that is to encourage me while instilling independence and strength.  It is meant to motivate me to find all of life’s answers within myself. 

So, I tried. And I failed. Miserably.

It was a season of intense storms in my life.  They hit like a category 5 hurricane across the shoreline – ripping away at what I had built.  My reaction was to isolate and work to rebuild.  I turned inward.  I holed up and began to write out solutions to the pressures that had pummeled against my established life.  I’d try to implement those solutions but couldn’t seem to find enough within me to begin the rebuild process.  I reached down deep to find my courage and strength and what I found did not fill the void of what was needed.  No matter how I tried to “be enough”, I was not.  I was laughably not.

My personality lends itself to self-reliance.  Not only is there a high sense of accomplishment when I succeed, but there’s also a strong desire not to bother anyone with my cockamamie ideas.  It’s easier just to do it myself.  But, I am learning – the difficult way – I’m not enough.

In the New Testament, the Greek word allelon is used 100 times.  It is translated “one another, reciprocally, mutually”.  For example, John 13.34 says to “Love one another”.  Romans 14.19 says to “build each other up”.  Galatians 6.2 “bear one another’s burdens.”  Colossians 3.16 “teach one another”, 1 Thessalonians 5.11 “encourage one another”.  You get the point, right?

As a devoted, card-carrying introvert “Golden Retriever” personality (see Smalley-Trent personality test), I have to be honest here.  I run from this like I run from snakes – quickly, non-masculine-screaming with arms flailing.  It’s not natural for me.  I’d much rather do it myself than to have to explain it to my “one anothers”. 

But sorting out from the aftermath of the life storm, I realized I could not do this alone.  I came to grips with the idea that I AM NOT ENOUGH.  I was never meant to be.  I had people come alongside me who loved me, dabbed my bleeding wounds, patiently waited on me to heal.  WIth healing brought new purpose.  It brought a new realization that even though I am not enough, God has blessed me through the blessings He’s given others.  I am amazed when I receive exactly the word I needed when I need it through God’s people. 

Another “one another” verse is Romans 12.16.  It says to “live in harmony with one another”.  Harmony is so cool.  There are typically 3 (sometimes more) notes in a chord.  I cannot sing more than one of those notes by myself.  As I add someone else to the tune singing a couple notes higher than me and then another, the music gets so much more awesome.  The more I know them, the tighter our harmony gets.  As an independent introvert, I can still do my one note, but when I add my “one anothers” to it, the sound is sweet and God is pleased (2 Corinthians 5.9).

As much as I hate to break it to you, you are NOT enough.  You were never designed to be.  God has given us community, friends, church to disciple us and grow us to be more like Jesus.  Look around you.  See who God has put in your life to sing harmony with you.  Thank God for one another, grow close to one another, depend on one another and begin singing as the storms of life start raining down on you – I mean one another.

If this post has stirred a desire to talk more, there is hope and help! Please contact Mile18. We offer free Biblical Counseling and would love to talk and pray with you… in person (Central Arkansas) or virtual.

God did not create marriage so we could feel love. It wasn’t created so we could live financially stable or so we could have ditch that “single” status on social media. It wasn’t for fulfilling sexual desires, to earn us a tax credit or to give us someone to answer the question “does this hat make my head look big?” He didn’t even create it so we could produce little-us-es. Well, not JUST those things, anyway. God ordained marriage back in Genesis 2 between Adam and Eve in the name of companionship. He said “it is not good for man to be alone” (v18). God saw that we’d never make it in this world without someone we could love and trust – a person with which we could build an exclusive and intimate connection.

Continue reading “Save the DATE”

My name is Kirk Stewart. I’m a husband, a father, a pastor, a software developer, a Biblical counselor, and among other oddities, a runner. I don’t fully know why I enjoy running – maybe it’s the freedom of being alone with my thoughts or just being outside or the self-reliance challenge or maybe I’m just weird. But I truly do love to run. That said, I’ve never been one for being very intentional about it. If I have a little time, I go run. No agenda. No plan. Just get out there and sweat. I’ve been that guy since high school – dabbling in the hobby just whenever I could. When I turned 40, I decided to stop just being a dabbler and challenged myself to take my 25 years of running addiction and apply it to a marathon. 26.2 miles… How hard could it be?

At the time, I was working for a company that was the sponsor of my particular marathon. They sent word out that they’d pay for any employee that wanted to run it. My thought process was, “I’m turning 40, I’m awesome, so I’m in.” But, I really didn’t share it with anyone. Maybe it was because I really wasn’t awesome and didn’t want anyone to hold me accountable if I decided to back out – nah, that couldn’t be it – it was just because I, uh, just forgot to mention it TO ANYONE.

I really meant to train specifically. But, it really wasn’t in my DNA. I run when I have a little time and can best not bother anyone with it. So, I continued on that course. We got closer to the race day and I knew I hadn’t given the training all I need to, but it slipped out of my mouth to my wife a few weeks before. She did the oddest thing – she gave me this “I’m proud of my awesome man” look. And with that, the window of backing out was painted shut. No turning back.

Race morning came, I showed up with thousands of other runners who all seem to have cool running clothes that I did not, water bottles strapped to their waists, great shoes compared to my bargain-bin mismatches, and a look of confidence that they were prepared mentally and physically that I certainly did not have. I was beginning to doubt my awesomenessivity (not really a word, but should be).

I lined up not knowing what in heaven’s name I had gotten myself into. The countdown hit zero and we were off and running.

The first 12 miles of the 26.2 miles was a blur. I was running at a Steve Rogers pace and yelling out a very arrogant “on your left” as I passed the other mere mortals that were in MY race. On my numbered bib that all runners wore boldly displayed “KIRK” and all of the extremely fortunate people that were blessed to cheer me on that day were proclaiming “Wow – look at KIRK!” “Way to go, KIRK!” “KIRK just passed yet another runner!” “I’ve never seen anyone as great as KIRK!” (I may have indulged a few of those, but you get the point.) I, very literally, at about mile 11 remember thinking (and I may have even audibly mumbled) “God created me for this”.

I passed the halfway point and in the Little Rock marathon. That year to start the second have of the race, you had to go up what felt like a 20 mile hill. I’m pretty sure it was an 89˚ straight up hill. My herculean stride reduced to choppy steps like I was trying to hurt the pavement. When I finally made it to the top, I realized going down was actually going to be more difficult. My feet began to hurt, my knees felt like someone had replaced my ligaments with ground up glass and my self-confidence was turning to self-loathing.

Awesomenessivity – maybe that doesn’t need to be a word. I was just about done. I didn’t want to stop and walk, but at this point, those that were there cheering had changed their sense of awe to their sweet words of pity “Hang in there KIRK”. “You got this KIRK.” “Do we need to get the para-rescue people for you KIRK?” My mumblings went from “God created me for this” to “God, tell my family I love them and just take me Home.”

There was a sign up ahead – I had lost all sense of where I was (or WHY I was). It said Mile 18. Are you kidding me? I’m just now at Mile 18? That means I still have 10 more miles (I know that’s not correct math – but YOU try to cypher big ol’ numbers when YOU’RE praying for Elijah’s exit). It was then that I realized it. I NEEDED HELP. I should have prepared for this! I should have actually paid attention to a training regimen. And, honestly, I just didn’t see it coming. I thought my awesomeness was enough. Turns out, it wasn’t even close.

I found out later that Mile 18 is traditionally the hardest mile of the marathon. Physical exhaustion sets in which gives way to mental and emotional frustration. You’ve just completed a major feat – running 17 miles, but you still have 9.2 miles to go. It can be overwhelming. It can be defeating. And, it can be soul-wrenching.

In your life, there is a Mile 18 coming. In your marriage, in your parenting, in your relationships, in your emotional health… there’s a Mile 18 coming. A time where you realize you need help. Maybe it’s a time where you are just ready to quit. That’s what Mile18 Ministries is all about. We want to honor God by being a help as you either prepare for that Mile 18 moment by getting you spiritually ready to face that very difficult thing that you didn’t see coming. Or, perhaps you are rounding the corner to it now and realize you are not prepared. There’s hope for you, my friend. God wants to come alongside you and help get your legs back under you. Mile18 wants to help by administering God’s word, a friendly ear to listen and connecting you with people that will help support you as you re-engage the race.

Your marriage (or just life in general) is a marathon. Whether you have trained for it and are ready for every mile or you are running your marathon like I did, find help in God and in those around you. If Mile18 can help with that, it’d be an honor for us to do so.

Don’t give up! Run with perseverance and lean on that cloud of witnesses that surrounds you (Hebrews 12.1). Run your race in such a way as to receive the prize (1 Corinthians 9.24). You are not alone. For help, Contact Us!